Category Archives: Humour

PyMissile, The Python Missile Control Centre

Hardware, Humour, Programming

I think I’ve found one of the coolest Python projects to date, its called PyMissile and is a Python script which can control a Marks & Spencer USB Missile Launcher on Linux.

PyMissile is written by Scott Weston and he has some videos of his missile launchers being simultaneously controlled by PyMissile. What is even cooler, is that Scott says he has implemented motion detection sentry functionality using a webcam and can also control his missile collection remotely via XML-RPC.

If you’re interested, check out the Python source code. I certainly haven’t grokked Python but the Python language is so readable that it’ll make sense to most people.

Poo Fairies

Humour

Today while joking around with my work colleagues, I mentioned what I thought was a well known phenomenon known as the poo fairies. I was taken aback when they burst out in laughter and asked me what it was all about.

A formal definition for the uninitiated:

Poo fairy (n):
The little fairy that enters your room at night, while you are sleeping and takes a shit in your mouth. This then causes you to wake up with what is commonly referred to as poo breath.

Usage:
“Gee, I think the poo fairies visited me last night.”
“My breath smells like poo fairies have had a party in my mouth.”

Now that you have the official definition, it is your mission to spread to good word of the poo fairies as far and wide as possible!

Tumours Followed By Herniation

Humour, Photos

Broken Squishy Breast Stress ToyIn December, I mentioned that for my birthday, the guys at work bought me a soft breast look-a-like stress toy. Needless to say, it was a hit in the office with everyone taking every opportunity to give it a squish – even a few of the females.

As we continued to squeeze, squish and distort the breast – it appeared that there were weaker bits in the rubber. After a while, every time you squeezed it – it was distorting in the same places. As a result, when it wasn’t being squished, it now had lumps – it had tumours! Soon, we were tossing it around the office and deliberately distorting it by holding onto the base of the breast and wobbling it.

Following on from the deliberate wobbling, on Friday I enacted a Kung Foo Master – substituting the breast stress toy for traditional nunchakus. As it turns out, it stretched a little further than anticipated and as it swung over my shoulder and into my back – it burst! Needless to say, the contents of the stress toy went everywhere. Thankfully, it was filled with a slightly silicone based water and it dried and/or cleaned up easily.

Chuck Norris

Humour, Internet

Chuck NorrisChuck Norris has recently been experiencing the same phenomenon that David Hasselhoff has, email mania. With the email(s) flashing around the world, it seems that Chuck Norris has also seen them and has posted a response on his site! What follows is a list, in no particular order, of some of my favourite Chuck Norris facts:

  • Chuck Norris’ tears cure cancer. Too bad he has never cried. Ever.
  • The chief export of Chuck Norris is pain.
  • Contrary to popular belief, Chuck Norris, not the box jellyfish of northern Australia, is the most venomous creature on earth. Within 3 minutes of being bitten, a human being experiences the following symptoms: fever, blurred vision, beard rash, tightness of the jeans, and the feeling of being repeatedly kicked through a car windshield.
  • When Chuck Norris sends in his taxes, he sends blank forms and includes only a picture of himself, crouched and ready to attack. Chuck Norris has not had to pay taxes, ever.
  • Chuck Norris does not sleep. He waits.
  • In fine print on the last page of the Guinness Book of World Records it notes that all world records are held by Chuck Norris, and those listed in the book are simply the closest anyone else has ever gotten.
  • The Great Wall of China was originally created to keep Chuck Norris out. It failed miserably.
  • Chuck Norris is currently suing NBC, claiming Law and Order are trademarked names for his left and right legs.
  • Chuck Norris has counted to infinity. Twice.
  • There is no theory of evolution, just a list of creatures Chuck Norris allows to live.
  • Chuck Norris does not hunt because the word hunting implies the probability of failure. Chuck Norris goes killing.
  • Chuck Norris once bet NASA he could survive re-entry without a spacesuit. On July 19th, 1999, a naked Chuck Norris re-entered the earth’s atmosphere, streaking over 14 states and reaching a temperature of 3000 degrees. An embarrassed NASA publically claimed it was a meteor, and still owes him a beer.
  • Chuck Norris has two speeds: Walk and Kill.
  • Chuck Norris’ blood type is AK+. Ass-Kicking Positive. It is compatible only with heavy construction equipment, tanks, and fighter jets.
  • Chuck Norris is 1/8th Cherokee. This has nothing to do with ancestry, the man ate an Indian.
  • There is no chin behind Chuck Norris’ beard. There is only another fist.
  • Most people have 23 pairs of chromosomes. Chuck Norris has 72… and they’re all poisonous.
  • If you ask Chuck Norris what time it is, he always says, “Two seconds ’til.” After you ask, “Two seconds ’til what?” he roundhouse kicks you in the face.
  • The quickest way to a man’s heart is with Chuck Norris’ fist.
  • Chuck Norris can win a game of Connect Four in only three moves.
  • What was going through the minds of all of Chuck Norris’ victims before they died? His shoe.
  • Chuck Norris is the only man to ever defeat a brick wall in a game of tennis.
  • A Handicapped parking sign does not signify that this spot is for handicapped people. It is actually in fact a warning, that the spot belongs to Chuck Norris and that you will be handicapped if you park there.
  • Chuck Norris originally appeared in the “Street Fighter II” video game, but was removed by Beta Testers because every button caused him to do a roundhouse kick. When asked bout this “glitch,” Norris replied, “That’s no glitch.”
  • The opening scene of the movie “Saving Private Ryan” is loosely based on games of dodgeball Chuck Norris played in second grade.
  • Chuck Norris once shot down a German fighter plane with his finger, by yelling, “Bang!”
  • Someone once tried to tell Chuck Norris that roundhouse kicks aren’t the best way to kick someone. This has been recorded by historians as the worst mistake anyone has ever made.
  • Chuck Norris is not hung like a horse… horses are hung like Chuck Norris.
  • Chuck Norris doesn’t shower, he only takes blood baths.
  • Time waits for no man. Unless that man is Chuck Norris.
  • In the Bible, Jesus turned water into wine. But then Chuck Norris turned that wine into beer.
  • In an average living room there are 1,242 objects Chuck Norris could use to kill you, including the room itself.
  • Faster than a speeding bullet … more powerful than a locomotive … able to leap tall buildings in a single bound… yes, these are some of Chuck Norris’s warm-up exercises.
  • Chuck Norris is the only human being to display the Heisenberg uncertainty principle — you can never know both exactly where and how quickly he will roundhouse-kick you in the face.